


Pillow Talk

by provocation



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Cuddling & Snuggling, M/M, Polyamory, Post-Canon, Spooning, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 15:26:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6962485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/provocation/pseuds/provocation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neil finds a new fear, and doesn't know how to bring it up without sounding foolish.</p><p>(a.k.a. lots of snuggling and banter and feelings)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pillow Talk

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ohwhatanight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohwhatanight/gifts).



It’s half past midnight, and Neil Josten is wide awake.

He’s no stranger to insomnia, but usually he can make something useful of it. His body’s hesitance to sleep had proved useful in situations like late-night practices with Kevin and Andrew, but detrimental when he’d needed to fall asleep during the shorter nights in the Nest. Right now, his insomnia is a hindrance, since there’s no reason he needs to be awake.

Andrew twitches in his sleep like a cat. His whole body jerks, and Neil is jolted fully awake. He’s tempted to let go of Andrew’s midriff, or perhaps move his arm from where it’s seated under his neck, but he knows from experience that any movement would just cause Andrew to stir even further, and most likely panic. Sleep is a treacherous ground to tread around Andrew, and since he’s usually the last one to sleep and first to rise when there’s someone else in his bed, Neil wouldn’t be surprised if he woke up right now, just from a random body twitch.

But Andrew sighs, a barely audible exhale, and twitches again before going back to relative stillness. His chest is still rising and falling softly, and Neil doesn’t breathe until he hears Andrew’s gentle snoring.

He nuzzles forward into Andrew’s warmth, and behind him, Kevin shifts against his ear. The Exy star mumbles something in his sleep in Japanese, but none of the words he says make any sense. The heat of his breath feels nice against Neil’s ear, as does the weight of his body. Where Neil is boney and Andrew is soft, Kevin is firm. One of his thighs is tucked up against Neil’s, and Neil swears he can feel the solid muscle there.

Andrew’s in great shape too, of course; they all have to stay fit. But there’s different _kinds_ of fitness. Neil’s position on the field requires him to be aerodynamic, and his past has left him with scars and a narrow, sharp frame. Andrew’s jaw and cheekbones and eyes are sharp, but his thighs are pliable and his abdomen is soft, something he hides under his jersey and clothing as best he can. Neil loves Andrew’s tummy, and as he thinks about it, his arm curls around the soft skin, and he feels Andrew’s breathing shift just slightly in his sleep.

Kevin has no sign of anything that could be called a tummy. Despite the fact that they’ve officially been on summer vacation for three weeks, Kevin hasn’t slipped at all in his tireless exercise regimen. He still trains for several hours a day, and when he isn’t relaxing with the Foxes or reading headlines about them, he’s watching Exy matches or working out. It would be inspiring if it wasn’t so irritating. The only signs that Kevin’s on vacation at all are his slight tan and occasional extra smile.

Those, and his new relationship with Andrew and Neil.

Neil presses back against Kevin’s thick, solid chest, and Andrew follows the movement, jealous and stubborn and clingy even in his sleep. Kevin murmurs “ta”, which could signify anything but probably means nothing, and Neil’s breath catches in his throat for a moment.

“Kevin,” he whispers, and the room stays silent.

“Andrew,” he whispers, and nobody replies, Kevin and Andrew both breathing uninterrupted.

Suddenly Neil can’t breathe at all, and the world starts to close in around him. Kevin’s thighs, comfortable only a second ago, start to itch against Neil’s legs, and his chest goes from a comfortable solid presence to a restricting wall just as quickly.

But there’s nowhere to escape—when Neil moves forward, Andrew’s weight is against his chest. Nothing about Andrew has ever felt truly frightening, but his presence now isn’t its usual balm. Neil feels trapped between them, locked between their bodies, and his arms shake around Andrew.

After an agonizing minute that feels like it lasts for at least an hour, Neil pulls his arm out from under Andrew’s neck, and props himself up on his elbow to carefully remove the blanket covering all three of them. He climbs out from between them, and scrambles to get to his feet, breathing hard and fast. His heart is racing, and he still feels panicked, like he’s back in that trunk and basement and Nest. He reaches up to cover his mouth, and closes his eyes, focusing on standing up straight and grounding himself in reality once more. Only when he’s swallowed the worst of the panic does he hazard a glance back at the bed.

To the summer vacation’s credit, Andrew and Kevin don’t wake up. One of Kevin’s arms has apparently been tucked under the pillow all night, and Neil can’t imagine how his circulation hasn’t been cut off entirely yet. Andrew has leaned back in Neil’s absence, probably unconsciously searching for his warmth, and Neil watches Kevin sleepily pull Andrew closer, easily adjusting to holding him instead of Neil.

They make a pretty pair together, and Neil wonders if maybe he’s the odd one out, if bringing them together was his sole purpose in the relationship, and if they like each other more than him. He forces down the self-deprecation, reminding himself of all that Andrew has done for him, and how Kevin had confessed his massive crush on him—and on national television no less.

Neil’s face heats as he thinks about it, and he realizes he’s reached for his phone in his panic. Matt’s contact is already open, but Neil closes it, and then locks his phone and puts it down on the desk. He trusts Matt with his life, and he’s sure that Matt would gladly take him in as a roommate again even if it was just because of temporary anxiety like this, but he doesn’t want to interrupt whatever kind of night Matt’s having. Since school ended, he and Dan have been practically inseparable, and the idea of walking in on them doing anything is nauseating enough to make Neil dismiss the idea.

He climbs back into bed, but doesn’t take his place between Andrew and Kevin again. Instead, Neil crawls into the space behind Kevin, facing the wall. He pulls the blanket over Andrew and Kevin, and grabs an edge for himself, tugging the corners over his frame. Kevin’s back is just as warm as his chest, and Neil, surprisingly, doesn’t feel trapped between the wall of Kevin’s traps and the actual wall. He searches his brain for any claustrophobic thoughts, and when he finds none, exhales and closes his eyes again.

Sleep comes easy, seeping into the corners of Neil’s consciousness and taking over his thoughts before he can even begin to get anxious about sleeping arrangements tomorrow night.

-

It’s half past nine, and Neil doesn’t have the guts to bring up what happened last night.

The Foxes are all going to terrorize a local dining establishment in an activity also known as brunch. Not many diners are equipped to deal with a nationally-acclaimed sports team consisting of a group of abused, mistreated misfits with insurmountable appetites. However, Allison had found a suitable place, and she’d dropped by their room at 9:27 AM to instruct them to be ready for quarter to ten.

Neil had asked her if attendance was mandatory, yawning through all his words, and Allison had just raised a perfectly highlighted and filled eyebrow and said that _clothing_ was mandatory.

Andrew, shirt and pants lying on the ground beside the bed, had hardly looked apologetic.

Now Andrew is forcing himself to get dressed, and even Kevin is drowsily pulling himself up out of bed, and Neil feels a distinct lack of courage. He watches Andrew adjust the bands on his arms, and watches Kevin watch Andrew with interest. Kevin pulls on his binder and Neil looks away out of courtesy. The team has one of their many bets going on when Kevin will admit to them that he wants top surgery, but this bet is somewhat more good-natured than the rest, seeing as all the money pooled from all parties will be going towards Kevin’s surgery.

If Kevin knew about it, Neil thinks he’d probably never talk to any of them again, and Neil wouldn’t blame him.

Neil’s glance away sends his gaze right into Andrew’s, and he stares into his hazel eyes for a long moment. Andrew looks expectant, as if they’d been having a conversation and it was Neil’s turn to reply. Neil is confused, and beneath that he’s scared that Andrew sees right through him and his cowardice. He takes a shallow breath in and opens his mouth to speak. “Are—”

“Hurry up and get dressed,” Kevin says, and before Neil can turn his head to look there’s a shirt flying in his direction. It sails through the air to land right on top of his head, covering his face. “You heard Allison, we’re leaving in fifteen.”

Neil pulls the shirt on, and climbs out of bed. He feels Andrew and Kevin’s eyes on him, and he’s not sure what to say, since he’s sure they’re both looking at him for different reasons. Andrew deserves an apology; it’s not fair to not communicate with him like this. He’s probably blaming himself for Neil moving around last night and acting weird today, since Neil had practically placed Kevin between them. It wasn’t like that at all; he hadn’t wanted to escape Andrew, he’d wanted to escape being trapped between them. Spooning is nice in theory, but the thought of trying to redo that tonight makes Neil’s stomach turn.

He addresses Kevin instead of Andrew. “So I don’t have time to shower?”

“You don’t need to shower,” Kevin says gruffly, sounding and looking like the spitting image of his father. He steps forward, looking down at Neil, and then leans in to kiss him, completely destroying the Wymack resemblance. “You look good,” he mumbles against Neil’s lips.

“Oh,” Neil says, and kisses Kevin again, just because he can. This is still novel, and he leans into it, easily letting his lips part for Kevin. Kevin’s hands settle on his shoulders, and other hands sneak up under the shirt he’d just put on. His skin is scarred and burnt and ugly, but Andrew’s familiar touch and Kevin’s solid grip leave no room for Neil to doubt how _wanted_ he is.

Kevin pulls away far too soon, and when he sees how much progress Andrew has made in stripping Neil, he makes a noise of disapproval and smacks Andrew’s hands away. “I am not facing Allison’s wrath,” he thunders, and Andrew reluctantly pulls Neil’s shirt back down. “Or Renee’s.”

“Why would Renee be mad that we didn’t go?” Neil asks, tilting his head. It’s mostly a ploy to get Kevin to look at his neck and consider kissing him again, and it at least partially works, since Kevin glances down at his neck.

He doesn’t move back towards Neil, instead crossing his arms. “Because I think she and Allison are going to tell us all that they’re dating today.”

Neil’s jaw drops as Andrew steps up onto his tip-toes to stare at Kevin over Neil’s shoulder. “That they’re _what_?”

Kevin smiles, laughing quietly. “Oh, did you two not know?” It’s a real smile, not one like the confident grin he plasters on for the press. Neil has seen this smile most often around them, and it bowls him over every time he sees it. “I think Dan is going to rob Nicky _blind_ in the bet they’ve got going about it.”

“A _bet_ ,” Andrew sputters, and Kevin laughs again, turning on his heel and walking out of the room. Andrew darts around Neil and dashes out after him, but heads in the opposite direction as him, no doubt making a beeline for Renee’s room.

Neil is left standing alone, but he doesn’t mind. He grabs his phone from where he’d left it last night, seeing a text from Nicky and ignoring it in the same breath. He pulls on the rest of his clothing, sliding his phone into his pocket and trying to focus on material, tangible things.

He still doesn’t have a plan of action for tonight, but that doesn’t scare him the way it once would have. He hears Dan chattering away about something in the hallway, and Kevin’s genuine laugh, and Neil feels comforted enough to shelve his worries for now.

-

It’s half past ten at night, and Neil is steeling himself to go to bed.

Kevin and Andrew are making out, and Neil feels like a voyeuristic third wheel as he watches them from the reclining dorm room chair. The flimsy excuse of reading a book that he’d used when they’d first asked him to come to bed is quickly falling to pieces, since he can’t take his eyes off of them.

Andrew’s on top, because for Andrew’s sake, he usually needs to be— especially with Kevin. He’s made himself a comfortable seat out of Kevin’s lap, and is straddling him and sucking his soul out through his lips. Andrew moans something against Kevin’s mouth and Kevin replies with a low growl. Neil sees him grab Andrew’s ass a little harder, and watches Andrew tilt his head to get a better angle, and Neil wants to join the two of them so badly he can’t breathe.

He forces himself to stay seated, because if he moves towards the bed then he’ll have to join them when they eventually fall asleep. And if he doesn’t want to be the middle spoon then he’ll have to answer questions about why not. And since he can’t even place where his sudden claustrophobia and anxiety surrounding _snuggling_ of all things began, he won’t even know what to say. And he’ll be utterly speechless and look like an idiot, and Andrew and Kevin will give up on him and just curl around each other like they had last night and his reason for fighting and his reason for staying will end up with each other and exclude him.

Neil doesn’t realize his head is in his hands until Andrew is peeling his fingers away, looking at him with sharp, concerned hazel eyes. He feels winded even though he’s still seated. Andrew purses his lips, waiting for him to speak.

“I gotta go,” he spits out, and gets to his feet. Kevin doesn’t stop him, standing up from his place on the bed but not making a move towards him. Andrew stays kneeling in front of his chair. “I’ve got to— I can’t be here.”

“Go where?” Kevin asks, at the same time as Andrew demands, “Why?”

Neil just gives them both a plaintive look. He doesn’t want to lie, but he wants to tell them the embarrassing truth even less. Finally, he grits his teeth and says, pained, “I just need some air.”

Kevin shakes his head slowly, trying to understand. The look on Andrew’s face is too much for Neil to bear, so he doesn’t bear it.

He flees the room, and as guilty as he feels for not offering an explanation, a weight dissipates from his chest the second he does.

-

It’s quarter to midnight, and Neil still isn’t back.

When he finally pushes the door open, Kevin and Andrew are on different sides of the room. Kevin’s sprawled out shirtless on the bed, watching old matches on his phone. Andrew’s seated at the desk, slouched forward over a book, eyes inches from the page. Neil wonders for a moment if Andrew needs glasses, and mentally shelves that thought for later.

Both drop their activities when Neil enters, Kevin instantly sitting up and Andrew slamming his book closed. Despite their quick reactions, neither says anything, both waiting for Neil to make the first move. He folds his arms around himself, uncomfortable with the attention. “Sorry.”

Kevin exchanges a look with Andrew, and for a moment they look more like a pair of beleaguered young parents than Neil’s boyfriends. Kevin crosses his arms: maybe to cover his chest, most likely to mirror Neil’s body language. “Don’t apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

It would be so easy to agree, but Andrew’s heartbroken look from earlier is still burning a hole in Neil’s pocket, so he continues, “I ran away. I promised I wouldn’t do that anymore. I… should’ve stayed to talk things out, and instead I just left.”

There is an awkward pause as both Kevin and Neil wait for Andrew to contribute something. He stays silent, leaning back in his chair to size up Neil. The action lifts him up so his toes barely touch the floor, but he stays there, still as a statue.

Kevin clears his throat, and soldiers on. “You’re allowed to take a break. It’s not exactly running away if you just need to go clear your head or you need some space. Don’t deny yourself that. And if it’s because of me, then—”

“No,” Neil says quickly, before Kevin can continue. “It’s not what you were doing— uh, what you two were doing. I’m fine with that; I’m into that. It’s just… I didn’t… I kind of panicked last night because we were all spooning.”

Kevin steps closer, and lowers his hands to his sides. “Is that all? We don’t have to cuddle.”

The question makes Neil’s anxiety seem trivial, but he isn’t offended or upset. Kevin’s tone had made it seem like it was the easiest dilemma in the world to solve, and Neil feels some broken part of his chest knit itself back together. He shrugs with one embarrassed shoulder and clarifies quietly, “I just didn’t like being the middle spoon.”

“You’re an idiot,” Andrew says suddenly, and it startles both Kevin and Neil. Kevin jumps a little, and Neil glances over sharply. Andrew gets to his feet. “You’re an absolute _dipshit_. I can’t believe you wouldn’t say anything. I was under the impression something irreversible had happened. You’ve been upset over _spooning_.”

“Well,” Neil opens his mouth to retort, but before he can get out a second word, Andrew storms forward and pulls him down into an angry kiss. Neil kisses back, because it’s hard to not kiss Andrew back, and Andrew melts into him. Hands are on Neil’s shirt, but this time they don’t push it up around his ribcage. Instead, Andrew’s fingers grab fistfuls of his shirt to tug him closer. Neil reaches for Andrew’s face, holding his jaw to pull him closer and to reassure him he won’t be leaving again anytime soon.

Andrew bites Neil’s lip and for a moment his world is reduced to that one spot, his whole body seizing up and trembling at the jolt that Andrew’s sharp teeth sends across his skin. “Fuck,” he mumbles into Andrew’s mouth.

“Can we?” Kevin asks, and Neil pulls away just enough to get a look at him. Kevin has returned to sprawl out on the bed, this time completely without clothing, and he’s so toned it’s _unfair_. Andrew pulls Neil towards the bed just as Neil pulls Andrew, and Neil ends up in Kevin’s lap with Andrew’s hands all over both of them.

-

When it’s over, Kevin curls around Neil, sweaty but extremely satisfied. Neil can’t help but think about all the times he’d caught Nicky staring at Kevin after practices, and he can now see exactly why. Kevin hugs him tightly, and then goes utterly still, eyes wide. “I forgot. Sorry.”

Before he can fully pull his arm away, Neil reaches for it, tugging it back down. “It’s okay. I’m okay with cuddling, I just can’t have you both spooning me at once. It’s too much.”

“Alright,” Kevin says softly, and moves into place behind him, tucking their legs together.

Andrew is absolutely useless after sex, like usual, so he’s curled up facing Neil. He shifts a little closer, and holds his hand out drowsily. Neil gladly takes it, and watches Andrew’s face for any hints as to his mood. “Is this okay?” he asks. “You don’t mind facing me instead of having me around you?” Neil doesn’t bring up how comfortable he’d looked in Kevin’s arms last night, but the thought glances across his mind.

“I actually mind very much,” Andrew says, throat hoarse. “I hate your moronic face.”

“Uh huh,” Neil grins easily, though his heart feels like it’s pounding a relieved thousand miles a minute. “What’s the percentage?”

“Well over a hundred.” Andrew squeezes his hand. “Nearing 150.”

Neil squeezes back. “That’s a big one. What’ll we do to celebrate?”

Andrew rolls his eyes, and turns his face to hide what Neil’s certain is a smile. He grumbles into his pillow, “A cigarette would be nice.”

“No cigarettes,” Kevin interrupts, warm and sleepy behind Neil. He’s already drifting off. “Not around me. Neil shouldn’t be around them either if he wants his lungs to be of any use in games.”

Andrew lifts his face from his pillow to exchange a look with Neil, and then says in a falsely obedient voice, “As you wish, Queen Kevin.”

Kevin reaches over Neil to slap the side of Andrew’s head, and Andrew scowls, hand darting up to grab Kevin’s and scratch at his wrists.

And as ridiculous as it sounds, Neil ends up drifting off to sleep just like that, right in the middle of a fight. His eyes slip shut and even though he can feel Andrew’s knees against his and Kevin’s chest up against his back, none of it feels as horrible as it had last night. His breathing evens out and he dreams about nothing specific but something pleasant, and Andrew and Kevin dream of good things too.

-

It’s six in the morning, and Neil stirs slowly, adjusting to the pale yellow light their room is currently drenched in.

His first instinct is to relearn how to breathe, but he finds he doesn’t have any trouble breathing at all. When he opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is Andrew’s eyelashes and nose and lips, all soft and pretty. The sight should take his breath away, but instead Neil just feels an overwhelming sense of belonging, of home.

His second instinct is to calculate his next move, but when he tries to shift, he finds that Kevin’s arm is loosely hanging over his chest, protectively circling him. It’s not locked in place, and if Neil really needed to go he could probably slip out without Kevin even noticing. But he likes that Kevin holds onto him for comfort. In the same vein, Andrew hasn’t let go of his hand all night, so he’s anchored to two places, and it’s indescribable.

The old Neil used to take two minutes every time he woke up to overcome his fear, but this Neil searches himself for fear and only finds love. He smiles without meaning to, and he shuts his eyes slowly, breathing evening out once more.

By 6:02, Neil is fast asleep again.


End file.
